


The Things You Said in the Dark

by haato_biito



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-28
Updated: 2016-03-27
Packaged: 2018-05-16 20:19:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,815
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5839609
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/haato_biito/pseuds/haato_biito
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The things said in the dark tend to stay there.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Killua

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Illumi’s En plagues Killua’s nightmares, Gon realises that although Killua’s skin is as strong as steel, his heart is as fragile as glass. Through gentle touches and coaxing words, Killua is able to reveal the darkest parts of himself to the one who cares for him most.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title: The Things You Said in the Dark — Part 1: Killua
> 
> Fandom: Hunter x Hunter
> 
> Words: 3.8k
> 
> Notes: I am WEAK for platonic KilluGon and [Jay](http://aackermans.tumblr.com) is the master of headcanons so please accept this. (I literally felt my own eyes sting whilst writing this why do I hurt myself so much wt f).
> 
>  
> 
> [Can also be read on tumblr](http://asuunaa.tumblr.com/post/137454671097)

Darkness. Pitch black in every direction. It was as if fear and loathing itself was encasing him in its clutches. His icy blue eyes widened as his heart pounded and his senses became completely alert.

“Killu.” A voice whispered directly into his ear, and he turned around with a start, sweat rolling down his temple. However, when he looked behind him, the same blackness met his vision, “You know you can’t do that.”

“Illumi! I know you’re there, you bastard!” he called out, in a futile attempt at bringing his older brother from his hiding spot. Not that there were many placed to hide. For as far as he could see in any direction, Killua only saw a deep, consuming blackness. As Killua stared harder and harder into this void of oceanic darkness, swirls of purple mixed in like paint. They came into focus, he suddenly noticed a defining shape to the space; an eye that was lacking of any empathy and honour, the eye of Illumi.

A yanking on his hair brought his attention above his head, and he was met with the hollow, emotionless face of Illumi,

“You can’t continue to be friends with that boy, Killu. He will only keep you back. You are so much more capable than he is. Has he even killed anyone?” If Killua didn’t know his brother so well, he wouldn’t have sensed any humour in his monotonous voice, but at this last taunt, Killua could sense a comical attempt at a threat. He barred his teeth menacingly,

“What the hell do you know?! Go away! go away!” He tried to pull free from the iron grip on his silver bangs, but it only made Illumi pull more tightly, sending a dulled sense of pain through his scalp. Although it wasn’t worth anything more than a wince from Killua in response,

“How many times have I got to say it? I can’t just leave you like this, Killu. You have killed so, so many people. It’s your calling, you know? Mother and father… they are both worried about you. Doesn’t that sadden you?”

“I couldn’t give a rat’s ass about them! I couldn’t care less for them, let alone you!”

“Oh? Is that so?” Illumi replied bluntly, letting go of Killua’s hair. Killua staggered backwards, ruffling his hair back into place. But as he twisted to face the source of the voice, he saw no sign of his brother.

However, when he turned back, Illumi’s face was directly in front of his. Killua instinctively stepped back about 3 paces, covering his most open parts defensively with well-trained arms. Streams of purple aura seeped from Illumi’s pale skin, and something shuddered deep within Killua’s heart. They seemed to wrap around Killua’s arms, sliding along his skin with such a sickening smoothness. He couldn’t control the uneven rhythm of his breath, and only just resisted the urge to run. Even after all the training he had been through, he still could not conquer his brother’s En.

“In that case, then,” Illumi added, “I will just have to make you saddened by this truly devastating discovery.” Illumi’s hair, not dissimilar to silk, flowed over his shoulders as he moved his head towards the breast pocked of his jacket, pulling from it a long, thin needle. Killua watched his brother extract this utensil with a mix of apprehension and caution. That was not one of the normal needles Illumi used, with their distinctly bulbous heads. This was a special needle, and Killua did not know what it was used for.

That was a lie.

Killua knew. Of course he knew! It was the same needle Illumi used to sedate Killua’s motives in the past. The one that he himself had ripped directly from his own forehead, and cried agonised tears over.

Not again. Not again!

“What the hell are you doing, Illumi?” Killua demanded, his eyes sharpening on the object that had brought him so much emotional suffering before. He could not afford to go through something like that again.

“Ah, this?” Illumi pointed to the needle nonchalantly, his head tilting in a comically questioning way, “I’m just gonna use this to make sure you don't get ahead of yourself. It worked so well last time. I’m sure it’ll have the same impact this time.” Illumi adjusted his grip on the shining needle, holding it tightly in his hand, before taking a singular step towards Killua, “I’m sure you won’t mind, will you, Killu?”

“Don’t you dare, you bastard!” Killua yelled. Before he could plan an escape, his brother moved at lightning speed, and without a chance to process what had happened, the needle was mere millimeters from his forehead…

* * *

“Ah!” Killua yelped as he sprung up from the comfort of his bed. However, as he did so, his head collided with something solid, and two voices yelled out in shock and pain,

“Wah!” Killua clutched his head as he fell backward, curling into a ball and he writhed in pain, “What the hell…”

So it was just a nightmare…

Even so, Killua’s heart wouldn’t settle, and even when holding his head, his hands still shook. He clenched them together, causing his palms to whiten with the pressure.

“Sorry, Killua! I didn’t expect you to sit up to suddenly…” A soothingly familiar voice said apologetically, and Killua stopped moving long enough to turn his eyes to the source. Gon sat beside Killua’s legs on the bed, rubbing his forehead, his tongue sticking out. Killua sat up slowly, rubbing his own head, then sighed,

“Geez, Gon! I was scared enough as it was, and then I had to bash into your giant skull! You’ll send me flying into next week…” His voice wavered as an image of Illumi flashed behind his eyes, and the lingering touches of his En crept along his skin.

“I said I was sorry!” Gon emphasised, but then his voice and eyes softened, “Killua, did you have a nightmare?”

“No, I’m fine.” Killua stated in a manner that was too quick and sharp to be true, and Gon saw right through his blatant lie.

“Was it really scary?” Gon enquired, sitting cross-legged as he swiped at his nose absently.

“I told you…” Killua repeated softly, putting his hands in his lap, “I’m fine.”

He couldn't look Gon in the face; not when Gon saw everything by peering into his eyes, but he couldn’t conceal the shaking of his arms.

Gon tried to peer under Killua’s bangs, to try and read him as he always seemed to be able to, but even he wasn’t prepared for the tears that landed on the blanket. Gon’s eyes widened slightly. This wasn’t something that Gon was familiar with, nor did he have any plan to comfort his best friend. Killua clutched the sheets closer to his lap, and took in a shuddering breath. Killua felt idiotic for letting such emotions overcome him. He was so much stronger than his trials. He could be whipped and hung by his wrists. He could be bleeding from every limb from scratches purposely inflicted on him without battering an eye. So why the hell was he crying? He had been through so much worse than that stupid nightmare. He knew that. He knew was stronger than that.

So why?

“Killua…” Gon could feel his own eyes sting for his friend. If it had this kind affect on someone as strong as Killua, that nightmare had to be something absolutely traumatising. Something from deep within his unconscious. Something he did not want anyone else to know.

Gon opened his mouth to say something, but no words formulated in his head. He wanted to say it was okay, but it wasn’t. He wanted to ask what happened, but he knew that if Killua wished to tell him, he would have. Instead, all he could do was sit in the silence of their shared bedroom, and watch Killua with a troubled and wavering heart.

“G-Go back to sleep, Gon. It’s okay.” Killua said quietly in between sniffles, his nose blocked. He still refused to remove his gaze from his lap. He bit his lip to try and calm his nerves, repeatedly releasing and clutching the sheets in a false sense of comfort.

“I couldn’t do that, Killua, even if you wanted me to.”

Killua didn’t say anything in reply, so Gon took this as encouragement to push on, “I woke up because I heard a noise, and when I looked over, you were moving in your sleep.” he stated, putting his own hands in his lap, “I moved over to your bed, and I could tell you were having a really bad nightmare. It’s okay if you don’t want to tell me what it was, I don't have to know. But because of that, I can’t leave you on your own. Not like this.” It was such a grown-up thing for Gon to say, that Killua couldn’t help but smile weakly from underneath his bangs.

“Do you think that me spilling out my guts’ worth would help, do you?” he asked, rubbing his eyes with a trembling hand. Even though the initial shock had left him, Illumi’s presence still lingered in Killua, causing a faltering of his heart and heat to remain behind his eyes.

“I didn’t mean that, but I’m sure it couldn’t hurt. I’m all ears.” Gon stated, perhaps a little too eagerly, “Aunt Mito always told me that the best way to make sure a nightmare doesn’t return is to tell it to someone else. She said it removes it from your conscious… or something.” He chuckled as he rubbed his hair, unfamiliar with the big word Mito had used at the time.

“If I do, will you let me make you go back to sleep?”

“Promise.”

Killua lifted his head, and was reciprocated by Gon’s unwavering smile of reassurance and trust. Mito may have been onto something with her theory.

Even though Gon did not say anything about it, or show any sign of surprise, the sight of Killua at that moment, with his eyes red and his lip still wavering the smallest bit, did catch him off guard. It made Killua look so much smaller, like he had to be protected. Gon was not used to such a responsibility.

“It was… Illumi.” Killua began, distracting Gon from Killua’s appearance. At the mention of his brother’s name, Killua’s currently vulnerable heart skipped a beat, “He tends to get into my dreams a lot.”

“Does he?” Gon enquired, “I guess that doesn’t surprise me.”

“It doesn’t?” Killua asked softly, surprised by Gon’s response, but not showing it. He assumed Gon would not expect his own brother to constantly plague Killua’s dreams, but then again, Gon knew a lot about him that, sometimes, Killua did not even know himself.

“Not really. After all, he forced you to kill Bodoro in the hunter exam, right? With that needle thing he stuck in your head.”

“Wait… How did you know about that needle?” Killua had no recollection of telling Gon this, and even with his supernatural powers of perception, he doubted that Gon would be able to decipher that from his eyes alone.

“You talk about it in your sleep a lot.” Gon stated frankly, shrugging his shoulders. Killua was instantly snapped from his anxiety by that statement,

“Huh?! Why are you going around at night listening to me talk?” Killua demanded, leaning towards his partner.

“I can’t help hearing it! I can hear it even from my bed!” Gon explained, raising his arms in surrender, “You don't know just how deeply you sleep, do you?”

“When that happens, just go back to sleep, idiot! I’m the last person you would want to hear talk about crap in their sleep.” Heat crept up Killua’s neck and ears. In reality, he didn’t want Gon to know about that stuff. Gon had enough to worry about, with finding his dad, saving Kite, and dealing with chimera ants, let alone Killua’s personal life.

He didn’t want to burden his best friend with such unnecessary things.

“I wish I could; it hurts to listen to, you know…” Gon replied honestly, eyes averting Killua’s. The heat prickling up Killua’s neck ran up to his cheeks, flushing his face red and widening his eyes. His bottom lip trembled into a small, but guilty, smile. Gon cared… it was such a warm feeling. A feeling he felt dirty for having. Such a shameful pleasure…

“You talk about Illumi sticking a needle into your head, to control you or something…” Gon continued, his own heart starting to pick up speed. He felt bad for prying into his best friend’s private matters, but it wasn’t something that he could easily avoid, being in the same room as him for a good part of two years. Also, it was something that mattered to Gon. He cared dearly for Killua, and sharing his burden, even the smallest bit, helped Gon to feel as if he was reciprocating the friendship Killua had given him,

“Oh.” Gon added, “You also sometimes talk about disappointing your mum and dad. Sometimes you say you don't care, but other times, you say you feel responsible. Last time it happened, I decided that next time I would confront you about it, so I sat on your bed and waited for you to wake up.”

“That’s stupid! You should just talk to me about it in the morning…” Killua said quietly, and yawned. It must have been the middle of the night, maybe 2:00 or 3:00AM. Gon also yawned, and smiled,

“I knew you wouldn’t wanna talk about it in the morning. You’d tell me to wait.”

“…” Killua couldn’t deny that.

Gon waited patiently for Killua to continue. He knew how hard it was to tell someone a nightmare that was still fresh in your memory, as he did it countless times whilst snuggled next to the warmth of Mito. It took courage; strength of the soul, strength of the heart. Killua’s skin may have been hard as metal but Gon knew his heart was as fragile as glass. That’s why Gon was so patient with him. He understood.

“As you said before,” Killua continued, “in my nightmare… Illumi tried to stick another one of those needles into my head. Just like last time. I could even feel the needle in my head…even though it wasn’t there.” Killua reached up to touch the spot on his forehead with tender and delicate fingers, “Illumi wanted me to not be around… you…” Killua trailed off, regretting his decision to tell all this to Gon. He looked back down at his lap, as he brought his hand back down to clasp the other. What if Gon took Killua’s nightmare to heart? What if this was the wrong idea?

“It’s okay.” Gon said simply, reaching a hand out towards Killua’s shoulder. However, he changed his mind, his hand lingering over Killua’s hunched, seemingly small body. He brought it back, “Keep going.”

Killua sighed lightly, composing himself, and tried for the second time to continue, “Mother… father… they both didn’t want me to go. Even though my old man said he was fine with it, I knew deep down he wasn’t. Illumi… he thinks that me hanging around with you is gonna mean bad things for the Zoldyck name. He thinks you’re a bad influence on me, as an assassin, I mean. He thinks… He thinks I’m gonna kill you one day.”

“But you chose to leave that behind, didn’t you?” Gon asked carefully, slowly.

“Yeah, of course. But that doesn’t mean that one day something might happen… and I might actually try and kill you. I don’t want that. That can’t happen!”

“It won’t! I won’t let that happen.” Gon replied calmly, concern coating his voice. If Killua felt that way… then no wonder he feared Illumi so much,

“They may try and take me away from you and bring me home at any point.” Killua’s voice began to tremble, “I… I don't wanna go back there. No way…” Blood splattered across the back of his eyes at the mention of returning to that icy and lonely mansion, that icy and lonely cell. Illumi’s En clenched around his heart, and heat stung in his eyes once again, “That place was so cold. The people, the walls, the job, they were all so cold. I didn’t belong. Sure, I killed enough people to call myself an expert assassin, but whenever I killed someone… I felt so small. When I first started, I used to throw up. Illumi and Milluki never did. From the beginning, I was never cut out for it. Even if I have a talent and all that crap, I don’t want to go back to them. I can’t give them that.”

“You don't have to. As long as you’re with me, that will never happen.” Gon said confidently, this time clasping a hand around Killua’s. A shiver ran up Gon’s arm at how chilly Killua was, “Your mum, your dad, Illumi… they won’t be able to control you again. I promise.” He gently squeezed Killua’s hand, and smiled tenderly.

“Thanks…” Killua replied, his voice choking as small drops landed on Gon’s hand. Gon was so, so warm. It felt like the sun itself had enveloped his fingers. It was such a soft and comforting heat, that Killua couldn’t help but let his emotions from the last year and a half that had been so deeply and tightly bottled to overflow. It was the kind of maternal warmth he had never received in that mansion, “Thank you… Gon…” Having released his darkest emotions, Killua felt something heavy lift from his heart. A small guilt still tainted him for sharing such a burden with his best friend, but this was something he did not know he needed until it was over. Mito’s wisdom had some weight behind it, and it instantly reached Killua in such an impactful way, all he could do was thank Gon. It went against his morals, to thank a friend, but Killua had nothing else to say.

Nothing else could have been said.

Gon was proud of Killua. He knew his best friend never wore his heart on his sleeve, and refused to give anyone access to what was stored deep within him, but for Killua to tell Gon all of this, he felt such an intimate connection to him. They knew each other’s deepest and darkest fears, they saved each other. It was a bond so inseparable, it was almost like the moon’s gravitational pull on the waves. It was for this reason that Gon sat up on his knees and gently wrapped his arms around Killua’s head, bringing his cheek to Gon’s chest,

“You did well, Killua.”

It was the same thing Mito had said to him years ago.

* * *

When Gon let go of Killua’s head, more than several minutes had passed. Tearstains marked Killua’s cheeks, and his hair stuck up at unimaginable angles, but overall, a relieved, tender, and true smirk crossed his cheeks,

“Look at me, eh? Being such an idiot as to cry over some stupid nightmare.”

“You know that’s not true.” Gon reprimanded gently, resting his rear back on the bed,

“Yeah, I know.” Killua chuckled under his breath, “And look at you, being all motherly and weird. It was like you honed in Aunt Mito or something.” Gon couldn’t help but laugh at that,

“She helped me so many times, it was hard to forget.” Gon replied with a cheeky smile.

“Sure, sure.” Killua added sarcastically, sticking his tongue out at Gon, “Now. You promised me to go to bed. Go. Otherwise we won’t be up until dinner time, you idiot.”

“Fine fine! I’m going!” Gon said, scrambling to the edge of Killua’s bed. Before he hopped off, he turned back around to Killua and asked seriously, “You okay now?”

“I told you, I’m fine! Go to bed.” He demanded, turning away from Gon to conceal the heat in his cheeks.

“Okay, then. I’m glad you feel better. Goodnight, Killua.” And Killua heard the shuffling of sheets and soft thuds as Gon’s feet touched the carpet. However, without the now familiar warmth at the bottom of the bed near his legs, Killua felt a sense of loss. Gon’s heat was so pleasant. Gon’s touch was home. Killua needed it, just one more time.

He couldn’t reply to Gon’s salutation.

Killua heard more shuffling of sheets, this time further away, as Gon got onto his own bed. Once Gon got himself comfortable, the room became silent again, except for the gentle humming of the cicadas outside. Killua called out into the silence,

“Oi, Gon?”

“What is it, Killua?”

“…” Killua didn’t know how to put those feelings into words. He was never good at the whole sentimental thing. He turned back over onto his other side, and met Gon’s gaze from the bed opposite.

“Do you need to pee?”

“No, I don’t, idiot!” Killua replied exasperatedly, “I don’t have to tell you when I needa piss…” a few seconds passed, as Killua tried to formulate words in his head describing his wishes, “Doesn’t it feel lonely, sometimes… being in different beds?”

“I haven’t really noticed it. Why?”

“I don’t know… Nothing. Forget I said anything.” Killua ruffled his bangs and sighed, beginning to turn back towards the window.

“No, no. Wait.” Gon replied hastily, and the sheets moved as he propped himself on an elbow, “Do you feel lonely?” Killua turned his head over his shoulder, and replied,

“Not overly…” But the tone in Killua’s voice said otherwise, and Gon, being Gon, picked up on it easily. Two more light thuds sounded next to Killua as Gon’s feet once again touched the carpet, and more moving of sheets. This time, Killua felt the sheets ripple as Gon hopped into bed next to him. The beds weren’t small, so they both fit comfortably, back to back.

“Is that better?” Gon asked lightly, placing his hand under the second pillow on the bed for comfort. Killua didn’t instantly reply. Heat once again prickled at his neck, and he scratched it absently. He didn’t expect his heart to beat so fast from this small and generous gesture. What else was he expecting to happen?

“Go to sleep.” That was the only thing Killua could muster to reply, his voice catching in his throat.

“Okay. Goodnight, Killua. I promise you won’t have anymore nightmares now.” Gon closed his eyes with a smile.

“’Night, Gon.” Killua replied, as he closed his own, feeling himself drift into a place halfway between reality and an altered state of consciousness. The heat from Gon’s back enveloped his whole body, and spread to his heart. Finally Illumi’s En was driven away, bringing peace to his exhausted mind. Killua knew it wasn’t likely they would speak of this encounter in the morning. After all, the things said in the dark tend to stay there.


	2. Gon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Aunt Mito's gentle embrace is snatched from Gon in his dreams, Killua realises that Gon's smile conceals may things. Through gentle touches and coaxing words, Gon is able to reveal the darkest parts of himself to the one who cares for him most.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title: The Things You Said in the Dark — Part 2: Gon
> 
> Fandom: Hunter x Hunter
> 
> Words: 3.9k
> 
> Notes: I am WEAK for platonic KilluGon and [Jay](http://aackermans.tumblr.com) is the master of headcanons so please accept this. (I literally felt my own eyes sting whilst writing this why do I hurt myself so much wt f).
> 
>  
> 
> [Can also be read on tumblr](http://asuunaa.tumblr.com/post/141772975627)

Warmth. A mother’s arms soothingly wrapping around his body. It was as if the sun and all its rays were encased in her hands as they pressed gently against his back. It was such a tender, enticing warmth, and he thought that he had forgotten it when he embarked on this long, winding journey. He missed it with all his heart.

“Gon.” Mito’s voice trickled into his ear like sweet honey, the sugary sensation lighting up his heart, “Do you miss me?”

“I do. I do miss you, Aunt Mito.” He replied, his voice breaking softly, and a smile curling his lips as he closed his eyes. He fully immersed himself in her embrace. She smelt of cooking, of clean cloth, of everything comforting. She smelt like home. An almost blinding light surrounded the two of them, tinted with pastel oranges and yellows; a dream-like utopia. The light danced on his skin where Mito’s arms could not reach. It felt like blankets covering him, keeping him warm on a cold night. Pulling him home when he felt the most alone and vulnerable.

“Why don’t you come back, then? You’ve been gone for so, so long, Gon. It gets very lonely without your beaming face there at the dinner table. Your grandma and I, we miss your stories of your adventures in the wilderness. We miss your laughter that always seemed to illuminate the room. But most of all, we miss you…”

 _What an appetising offer_ , but…

“You know I can’t, Aunt Mito. I’m halfway across the world and I have made some wonderful friends who I can’t leave behind.”

“Like Killua?”

“Yeah, like Killua.” Mito’s arms tightened, her arms quaking ever so slightly. A light breeze picked up, and her white dress fluttered against his arms. Smooth, cool fabric a welcoming contrast to the warmth of the sun behind him. Gon reciprocated the embrace, and something pulled on his heartstrings, “I want to go home. I really do, but… I can’t. Not when I’ve come so far. I can’t leave him behind. Every day, I become closer to finding Ging. I need to know who my dad is, Aunt Mito.” He breathed in her scent, completely vulnerable in her arms, “Also, I’m having so much fun, travelling with everyone; but still, that doesn’t change the fact that I still miss you…”

“You have tried very hard. Come home and rest. I can make dinner for you, all ready for when you arrive. I’ll also have the bath heating up, I bet it’s been days since you last bathed, knowing you.”

“I decided I would try my best and see this through to the end. I need to see Ging. I made a promise to myself, despite the tempting offer of a nice warm bath…” they both laughed gently.

_However, I made a promise to Killua._

“But what will happen if there is a sick Foxbear cub who has been abandoned by its mother?”

_I cannot leave my best friend behind._

“I’ve learnt a whole lot since I left Whale Island, Aunt Mito. I’ve learnt that there are some things that you just cannot control.” Mito’s arms relaxed, and for the first time, Gon could step back to see her face. Tears gently rolled down her cheeks, a maternal smile pulling at the edges of her lips, her eyes tenderly seeing right through him. The sun gently meandered through her hair, setting the orange strands ablaze. Gon couldn’t remember the last time Mito looked so beautiful, “I’m sure the Foxbear cub will find someone to look after it, who will love it more than its mother ever would. You never know, that cub might even have an Aunty! That cub would grow up to go on some awesome adventures, but it had to leave the side of the one it loved to do so.”

_I must continue to grow, for his sake._

“I see.” Mito caressed his head, running her fingers through the silky strands, and Gon closed his eyes, “I see.” Her touch made every agonising memory dissipate into the air. It was as if she could cure him of all of the things plaguing his mind. She was wiping them away, one caress at a time, purifying his soul in a way that only a mother can, “You grow up so fast when I’m not looking, Gon. I’m so proud of you, my little Foxbear cub.” She wiped a tear and held Gon’s face in her hands. His cheeks squished together, and it caused a gentle chuckle leave her lips,

“Promise me you will come home.”

“I will.”

“And promise me you will always look after your friends.”

“I will.”

The light surrounding them became brighter, and as Mito pulled Gon into a final embrace, her lips touching his forehead ever so lightly, everything turned into a blinding white…

* * *

The white-stained vision of Mito’s dress faded to a black ceiling as weary eyes opened to the darkness of light. It was such a desolate and empty sight that Gon felt removed from anything that felt like home. At the sudden loss of such a tight and warm embrace, he felt hot tears flush behind his eyes. It was so, so hard to be away from the isolation of Whale Island. The winding paths through the rocky terrain, and the warm smile that Mito gave him as he returned home were the only things that Gon had known.

Day in, day out. Day in, day out.

It was a routine that he followed because it was his home. Gon had never been so far away from that normality before, and for some reason, it made his heart ache on this unnaturally cold summer’s night.

“Aunt Mito….” He whispered into the surrounding air, feeling his voice tighten in his throat and his lip waver with the loneliness those words possessed. Forearm pressed to his eyes, he let the wall he held up slowly start to crumble, the debris leaving him in bitter tears. He was so lonely. A small, broken breath left his lips, and he clenched his jaw to hold back a sob that threatened to disturb the silence of night. He was so scared about the outcome of this adventure.

It had been almost year since he departed from his home with a bright and energetic smile, and although for the most part it felt like a flash in retrospect to the sheer enormity of time, some days the time seemed to drag out longer than others. Tonight was one of the nights where he especially missed eating a fulfilling dinner in the kitchen he had known since birth.

Gon’s other hand slowly rubbed his stomach. It felt empty like his heart. It felt empty like this room.

Clutching the bed sheets, he questioned something that always came to him when he felt especially lonely. What if he got hurt on this journey? So hurt Mito would mourn for him. He couldn’t stand to see her cry like that. A sob managed to gently shake the air. What if he got hurt?

_What if Killua got hurt?_

Gon removed the forearm from his eyes. He expected the view of the isolated, blank ceiling, however, something large blocked his line of sight. His eyes widened as he met irises laced with the illuminated moonlight, merely inches from his face. Killua was so silent and cautious in his movements that Gon was not only unable hear him move to his bedside, he didn't even sense his presence in the room,

“Killua…” his voice sounded weak. He felt weak, especially as he looked at his best friend. Something about that boy made Gon vulnerable, tender. In saying that, he felt no shame that Killua had seem him upset over such childish sentiments.

“Have you been crying?” his whisper was coated in a tone that Gon hadn’t heard Killua use before. It wasn’t concern, it wasn’t questioning. It was the same tone Mito used. Soft, caring. The resemblance made more tears hit the pillow, “What’s wrong?”

That was something that Gon could not bring himself to tell Killua. If Gon expressed how lonely he felt, he knew Killua would take it the wrong way. He would blame himself. That was something Gon could not allow Killua to do.

“I’m fine.” He smiled gently, trying his best to conceal the redness in his eyes in the darkness of the room, and it made Killua’s heart tighten. Why was Gon hiding something from him?

“Tell me.” He leaned closer, peering into Gon’s eyes, “Your eyes are swollen.”

There was a moment of silence as Gon thought desperately of an excuse he could use that would not lie to Killua. It wasn’t a nightmare, so he couldn’t say that.

“It just… hurts…” was the best he could come up with.

“What does?”

“My heart.”

“In what way?”

“That’s a secret.” Gon reached a hand up and ruffled Killua’s hair from his position on the bed, head sinking gently into the pillow, “Go back to bed. I’m just tired.”

“Don’t lie.” He knew Killua would say that. Gon winced. But Killua wore a tender smile on his face as Gon played with his hair. Small things about his best friend that Gon had never noticed before somehow reminded him of Mito when his heart was malleable. Killua’s smile was soft, and made his eyes shine in the moon’s embrace. That smile seemed to fill a small part of the hole in Gon’s heart that was opened after he left the warm arms of home.

“I can’t get anything past you, can I?” Gon laughed weakly as he started to sit up from the bed,

“Was it a nightmare?”

“No.” Gon shook his head, “kind of the opposite, really.” This made Killua tilt his head in confusion. Despite being an elite assassin, there are some things that he could not read in Gon’s expressions. It was one of the things that piqued his interest in Gon further every single day. Killua waited for him to explain,

“Sometimes it’s just hard… to continue being strong, you know? I grew up on Whale Island, and every single day I went into the forest to play. Every single time I came home, there was Aunt Mito. She would be making dinner and anything she made tasted amazing. That’s just how she is. But… she’s not here.” Gon took a breath, as tears threatened to overflow once again at the memories he held so dear. He swallowed, “That’s right. She’s still on Whale Island. Everything about this adventure has been so much fun, and I never want it to end. But when I’m all the way out here, she can’t ruffle my hair, hug me, and say goodnight to me every night anymore. Crawling into bed on my own is lonely sometimes. This adventure has been he best because you have been with me, Killua, but I can’t help but miss the things Aunt Mito used to do for me every night. Sometimes, I want to go home, and it’s hard… Smiling every day is hard…”

“Gon…” Killua didn’t know what to say. He had never experienced such feelings of loss over someone so close. He could stab his family and feel no remorse. That’s just the way things were. So to see Gon so distraught over something he could not empathise with made Killua’s heart ache with uselessness.

In the limited time he had shared with Mito, Killua understood just how important and helpful family could be. He felt like he belonged in a household for the first time in his life. Mito’s hands through his hair would be a feeling he would never forget, and would cherish for years and years to come. However, he had not grown up with Mito. He could not possibly understand just how lost Gon felt.

Killua needed to remind himself that Gon had not grown up as quickly or as forcibly as he had. His heart was still young, tender. Killua’s heart was hardened with the lifestyle he had grown up with. He felt guilt that he could not empathise with the pleas that Gon’s heart cried out.

“I’m sorry… That sounded stupid, didn’t it?” Gon sniffed, wiping his eyes with the balls of his hands, “Seriously, it’s nothing important. Go back to bed, Killua. I’m sorry I caused you trouble.”

“Gon. Just stop, okay? Just because you think it’s stupid doesn’t mean it is, idiot.”

“Killua…”

“Are you lonely?”

“I’m sorry…”

“Stop apologising, idiot!” Killua hissed, but a smile enveloped his features. Gon smiled back just as sweetly, and the moonlight reflecting off the trails of tears on his face struck something in Killua’s heart.

He had to do something.

Slowly, gently, carefully, he pulled Gon into him. He couldn’t help but notice that despite being away from Whale Island for nearly a year, Gon still smelt of pinewood. It made Killua’s heart sing to sense something so homely so close to him.

Gon’s eyes widened in surprise at the impulsive action, as his head rested against Killua’s shoulder,

“Oi, Killua? Why would you– ?”

“Just… shut up for a second.” Killua whispered, his arms tightening around Gon’s shoulders. Although Gon couldn’t see, Killua’s face flushed a deep red, “Y-Y’know, it’s okay to cry. I-I don’t care…” Gon closed his eyes and smiled,

“You smell like burnt wood.”

“That’s all you have to say?!” However, the two of them laughed together. Gon’s skin was so smooth, and Killua found himself melting into the embrace.

Gon’s laughter slowly turned into sobs, as the loneliness he felt hit at full force. Killua’s arms around him were cold, yet somehow it was such a long-needed warmth. Killua could never provide him with the comfort that Mito had delivered him every single day since he could remember, but the compassion his best friend showed him was just as important. He held tighter to Killua’s tank top, letting the tears flow onto his lap.

He missed home. He missed Aunt Mito. He went from a life of familiarity to being thrown completely in the deep end, and although he was the one who asked for it, the shock the cold water gave him still left him breathless at times.

Killua felt so, so helpless. All he could do was hold Gon like this. He could not say anything to bring any comfort to him. It made him clench his jaw. As Gon shook in his arms, Killua felt his own eyes flush with heat. No one made him feel this way.

It was the first time Killua had ever felt compassion.

Shakily, with complete uncertainty, Killua reached a hand up and held Gon’s head, moving his hand back and forth. It was an action far from being called a caress, but it was enough to make Gon smile through the sobs. He had simply copied the actions of Mito, but somehow it seemed to work.

Gon felt so lucky to have Killua in his life. So when Killua whispered to him,

“Don’t hold back your feelings ever again, you hear?” Gon couldn’t help but cry more. He should never had assumed that Killua would one day walk away, that he would leave him. They were in it together, and would follow each other to the ends of the earth. Although Gon had lost Mito’s daily nurturing, he had gained a whole new form of trust and intimacy. The friendship that Killua had given him filled the hole that had formed in his heart, but Gon was simply too stubborn to accept that as reality.

But now, like honey, the love that Killua gave him trickled into his heart, warming his soul. Eventually, Gon stopped crying, and they both sat in the embrace on Gon’s bed, too scared to move in case the moment was broken.

* * *

“Are you feeling better now?”

“Yeah, because you were there for me, Killua.”

“W-What the hell are you going on about, snot-face?” Killua teased, but he couldn’t stop his heart from pounding. Gon knew just the right things to say to make Killua flush with emotions he had never felt before.

Hearing him get so flustered made Gon smile with pleasure. He enjoyed making Killua happy. However, for some reason, when it was the other way around, Gon became a mess. This side that his best friend had shown him made him unbelievably elated, and suddenly, he didn’t feel lonely anymore. Here in Killua’s arms, he felt at home.

That’s when he realised home is not a place, it’s a feeling.

“I’m home, Killua.” There was silence, but Killua knew what Gon meant, and it made him smile to know just how important he was to Gon. Killua knew how his best friend always tried to remain strong, to keep that smile that always seemed to light up the room, but deep down, he was glad that he was able to open up to him in such a confidential way. To a degree, it made Gon seem more human, to find his weakness. Like the whispers of a flame, he was either flaring with emotion, or never there; there was never any middle ground, until now. The cold air enveloped their bodies, but heat radiated and resonated in both of them. For the first time, Killua could feel a part of himself wanting to protect something. He wanted to hold Gon until the tears stopped. He wanted to help. He wanted so much, but there was only so little he could do. However, three little words that had become stuck in his throat managed to dislodge themselves from his lips,

“Welcome home, Gon.”

It was the same thing Mito has said to Gon over and over again, in a time that now felt so distant.

The only things that illuminated them were the light of the moon, catching on the glittering particles of dust as they flew past, and the dull green of their clocks. The time read 3:25AM, yet neither of them knew how long they stayed in each other’s embrace. Gon couldn’t force himself to let go, and Killua couldn’t allow himself to crack Gon’s now fragile heart. However, slowly, slowly, Gon gradually loosened his grip on Killua’s tank top, his head growing heavy on his best friend’s shoulder. He felt content, having Killua’s affection all to himself. In his mind, Mito’s smiling face congratulated him,

_‘You’ve really grown up, haven’t you, my little foxbear?’_

Killua’s arms relaxed, resting by his sides. He stared out of the window, watching as the trees moved gently in the mid-night breeze. It sent a shiver down his spine.

“Thank you, Killua.” It was merely a whisper, but it sounded like a gunshot in the midst of the silenced room.

“S-Sure…” Killua replied, as Gon lifted his head.

Puffy eyes, red cheeks, tear stains, and yet that same ear-to-ear grin that he always wore. It threw Killua off, making the hair on the back of his neck prickle electrically.

“You’re such a good friend, you know that, Killua?”

“B-Be quiet… I don’t even know what I was doing…” He swiped at his nose absently, mind racing with all the possibilities that Gon could come up with in relation to that weak statement.

“That’s okay. As long as it’s you.”

Killua couldn’t take this anymore,

“Jeez,” he groaned, quickly pushing himself off from the silky sheets of Gon’s bed, “if you were fine already, tell me. I was waiting forever, you know?”

“No wait –!” Gon whispered, grabbing a hold of his best friend’s hand, “Seriously. Thank you. I know now I can place my trust in you for anything. You mean a lot to me, Killua.”

Silence filled the room. If Gon said anymore, Killua thought he would break. His hand was cold in Gon’s, but a warmth resided in his pulse. He felt like he had so much to say to his best friend, but just didn’t know how to put it into words. Over and over again, Killua had continued to impress him. He continued to become an overpowering force that sometimes left Gon speechless. There was so much that he had done to help him, and he felt like he could never repay it. Gon readjusted his grip,

“Please… continue to be my friend, Killua.” His voice broke with the name, “Please continue to look after me...”

“Of course I will, idiot.” The grip tightened, and Killua turned around, “’Night, Gon.” The light movement of bed sheets disturbed the silence, but no shuffling of feet could be heard. It was amazing how even though he didn’t have to try, Killua could completely hide his presence in such a small instance. He was like a cat; stealthy, smooth, sly, but at the same time, affectionate and seemingly purring under Gon’s touch. The way he could simply step without making a single noise always mesmerised Gon, and it wasn’t until Killua was out of reach that he replied,

“Goodnight… Killua…”

However, something felt off. The cicadas hummed gently, filling the air with a nostalgic serenity, but suddenly the space around Gon felt cold. He didn’t want Killua to leave, not when they had shared such warmth not even moments ago. Gon heard the rustling of sheets again as Killua crawled into his own bed, but it sounded so, so far away. Too far away. He needed to feel that warmth again, if only once more.

“Oi, Killua?”

“Hmm?” came the reply from the opposite side the room.

“You awake?”

“Obviously, idiot…”

“Is your bed comfy?”

“Uh, I guess. Why?”

“Ah, I don’t know… I guess, it feels a bit cold without you here now. I thought you might be cold, too.”

“Well, the sheets aren’t warm, if that’s what you mean. They’ll heat up soon though, once they become accustomed to your body temperature.”

Silence.

“Wait, Gon. Are you still lonely?” Killua asked softly,

“Mm…”

“Jeez, you could have said something. I’m not a mind-reader, you know…” Not a single noise disturbed the surrounding air, but Gon knew that Killua was moving. It was a sense that he picked up in the time that Killua had held him in his arms. Pressed against his best friend’s shoulder, he could feel his pulse, running from his heart. A steady, trained heartbeat, a cold, levelled pulse. It was a sensation that Gon would never forget, as it ran into his own heart.

Suddenly, the bed sheets rippled against Gon’s body, and a tiny flame-like heat pressed itself to Gon’s back,

“Is that better?” Killua asked nonchalantly, as he gripped the sheets. The whole bed smelt of pinewood.

“Yeah. Thank you, Killua.” It was the only thing he could muster to reply, as sudden, relieved fatigue washed over him.

“Shut up and go to sleep. We have to be up early tomorrow, remember?”

“Sure, sure.” He replied with a smile, heart connecting to heart through the sheets. He wasn’t expecting to feel such happiness from such simplicities, but now Gon knew just how much importance Killua placed upon him. It made his soul fly high, high into the stars, “Goodnight, Killua.”

“’Night, Gon.” Killua replied as he closed his own eyes.

Gon felt himself floating into a place halfway between Killua’s warmth and Mito’s tender smile. Somehow, he pictured the two of them standing side by side, both in the light of the setting sun. A gentle breeze meandered through their hair, and their smiles lit up in Gon’s eyes. Their resemblance made Gon grin with happiness, and suddenly hours turned into minutes, minutes into seconds, as Gon gave in to the warm clutches of his dreams. He knew it wasn't likely they would speak of this encounter in the morning. After all, the things said in the dark tend to stay there.


End file.
